Prepaying Can Be Learned
Actually Paying It Forward, I Think. A Matter of Trust, and Actually Courage Too
Not for Dutchies?
Prepaying feels uncomfortable for many people. You know it’s possible, but you’d rather not. Will you actually get what you paid for? Will it be delivered as promised? Won’t there be some fine-print trap around the corner? We Dutch seem to have been raised with a preference for simultaneous exchange1. Seeing is believing. Cash on delivery. A deal is a deal.
That pragmatism protects against naivety. It keeps the world somewhat manageable. But there’s also a shadow side: when that “you first, then me” mentality unconsciously seeps into places where it doesn’t belong. In friendship, in neighborly contact. In care or in compassion.
That’s what this is about—something that has become so commonplace in our time that it often flies under the radar: conditionality. The tendency to give only when we know there’s something in return. We’ve unconsciously taught ourselves that giving carries a risk. That you’ll be taken advantage of (meaning you’re foolish) or that scarcity threatens. It’s fear of scarcity that we fuel in each other through the many danger signals in society, through what we see in the news.
No Conditions Upfront
The film Pay It Forward plays with precisely that tension. A teacher asks his class to think of a project that changes the world, and not just leave it at ideas, but actually set it in motion. One of the students comes up with a plan that’s simultaneously childishly simple and strangely radical: you help three people. You ask nothing in return. Only this: that they, in turn, help three other people.
So don’t pay back, but pay forward.
(I think I prefer to call it paying forward, because paying ahead still implies we’ll get something back, although you’d then write it as one word.)
It’s an original premise because it reverses our automatic reflex. Normally it works like this: I give you something, you give me something. The exchange keeps the relationship balanced. It’s clear, everyone knows where they stand. But it’s also limited. Because as soon as the trading stops, the action stops. And then you get what you see everywhere: people waiting. For the other person, that is. Or for the moment when it feels safe enough to be generous.
The film works here as a mirror and creates a crack in our ingrained idea of “that’s just how it works.” I won’t give away the plot, because you should watch it the way you read a good book: without reading the last page first. It’s a film that stays with you, through that one seemingly simple shift in our thinking.
Possible or Not?
Since I saw Pay It Forward, I often think about it. What if this really happened? We could turn a vicious circle of inaction and waiting into a circle of selfless action. And it seems possible, even mathematically. Everyone knows at least three people they could help, right? They don’t have to be world-encompassing activities. No, just whatever is within your power, but things that involve helping or giving. Real giving, so not because it’s convenient or because you secretly hope something will come back (a tendency that runs deep!).
A question that lingers: why isn’t it happening (yet)? Why don’t we more often do things for others without expecting anything in return? A brief quote from the film that might answer that question:
Some people are afraid things will be different. It’s hard for people who are used to how things are, even if they’re bad, to change. And then they give up. And when they do, everyone loses in one way or another...
Paying It Forward
I think we can make it work, because it can stay small. In fact, that seems to me the only way we can make it work, and that’s fine, because many small acts make it big. A practical helping hand, a phone call, a cappuccino (see below 😉), a ride, a listening ear, or a note on the doormat for someone who’s having a hard time. And what definitely works is a smile.
It’s good to account for our cultural programming: giving something “for nothing” is not just the action itself, but it often triggers an internal movement. A movement arising from fear. Fear of coming up short. Fear of being thought foolish. Fear of being disappointed. Fear of opening your heart in a world that sometimes feels hard.
We are social beings, built to connect. In earlier times, in communities where people knew each other, giving was always embedded in a web of relationships. You helped because you belonged. Because you knew you needed each other. It wasn’t always romantic, but it had a kind of naturalness.
In the modern world, where we live much more anonymously, giving sometimes goes against the current. Then it feels like you’re undermining your own safety. Like you’re breaking the rules. Like you’re doing something beautiful, but also a bit unwise.
But anyone who has truly given something without an agenda knows that feeling of warmth that can follow. A feeling that brings you back to something simple: your humanity. The feeling that it’s right, despite your cultural programming wanting you to believe otherwise.
A Gentle Exercise in Trust
So: see if you can help three people, and if you can do so without bringing in your internal bookkeeping. Can you give and truly let go of what you’ve given? Do you dare to take on that exercise in trust?
Sometimes the situation calls for cash on delivery. There are situations where prepaying is unwise, but there are many more situations where you can safely give. So it doesn’t have to be about “the whole world” right away. It can start with your own life. Where can you be that link in a better chain?
If you want to see the trailer for the film2, here it is:
And then, quite simply, the question worth taking outside with you: what are you going to do?
If you found this article worth reading and (not yet) feel like getting a paid subscription, you can always treat me to a cappuccino!
I do not have much experience with other cultures, so who knows if this is universal?
It's a film from 2000 and not a “fast-paced film” with lots of spectacle. It's even a bit saccharine at times. Nevertheless, the content and message make it worth watching and setting aside all your spoiled hi-tech expectations for a moment. I managed to watch it all the way through, so you can too. It's available on various streaming channels and can be purchased on DVD. Enjoy!